Tag Archives: toxic

Expectations: Where Do You End, and Where Do I Begin?

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Our last discussion about expectations sparked new questions, radical brainstorming, and some heated debate.

Words like should and general gasping came up a lot.

Like this:

What are expectations anyway?

Well, they’re basically things you can predict from someone or something.

Does everyone agree on what those things are?

Ummm…. PAUSE. Obviously not.

So, what are expectations?

PAUSE

PAUSE

PAAAUUUUSSSEEEEE

gasp

holycrap

Right.

But… but…. We SHOULD be able to expect things from other people? How else do we know what to … uhhhh…      expect?! I mean, a person can’t treat us any way they want to!

Actually, a person can treat us any way they want to. And they do!

The interwebs are littered with statements like:    c3216c2d89fa7ed967b479e87915bf76

Alright… so if no expectations, are we all just flailing around out here willy nilly?  Fortunately, not.

The question then becomes “Where do you build your framework?”

We all have framework – it’s a basic need for our brain to be able to not process a million pieces of data a day. We establish assumptions, rules, and predictions based on experience.   We see a piece of metal coming toward us at a fast pace. Our brain flips through categories and quickly slips the incoming data in one – bullet (RUN!), car traveling reasonably on interstate (no reaction), spoon thrown by our 2 yr old (duck or catch it before ketchup gets on the wall).

Framework makes us feel safe. It lets us know what’s going on now and what’s probably coming next.

There are two places we can build our framework – internally (inside) or externally (outside).

  • External (outside) framework says that I must make sure everything around me is as I need and want it to be. Then, I can feel happy and safe.
  • Internal (inside) framework says that I must make sure everything inside me is as I need and want it to be. Then, I can feel happy and safe.

What do we have control over, really?

I mean…. really.

It’s a freaky thought, isn’t it?

Here is what we have control over, in a nutshell: we have choices.

Most of the time, those choices determine how we act when something happens. It does not control the “what happens” part of that sentence.

Goodness, this is just getting so good.  But I must sleep 🙂

Onward…

Next up: Internal and External Framework: Where do you build your strength?