Tag Archives: getting out

Want the Truth? Clean Yo Fridge.

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Full fridges are a thing.  A glorious thing.  My mom always has a full fridge of food in various stages of fresh/cooked/leftovery goodness.  Need to feed the guy fixing your outside light? No problem.  Need to feed the pastor and his wife? Come on over.  Dinner for six in 90 minutes?  Delightful!

I subscribed to this level of fridge stocking until 2 years ago when I realized I just kept throwing away unopened food that I meant to cook. Or thought I might need.

A full fridge made me feel good.

This past weekend, I cleaned out my fridge and noticed we hadn’t eaten some leftovers AND the brand new package of fresh corn on the cob.  I started to Google “does corn go bad?” and then saw it had expired like 3 weeks ago.

Yeah…..

No.

It makes me feel like a good mommy to cook.  I put the groceries in my cart, I think of how delicious the recipe picture looked and how happy it’s going to make me to put that meal on the table for my babies.

Then, life happens.  Fostering happens.  Work happens.  School happens.  My exhaustion happens. And, the food grows hair.

As I was chunking stuff in the trash can this weekend, I literally had the thought “BUT IF I CLEAN THE FRIDGE WE WILL HAVE NO FOOD!”

And it occurred to me:

A full fridge of hairy food

is not a fridge full of good food. 

It’s a fridge full of rotten food.

As I stood there enjoying the cool air and wiping out the shelves, I thought about that illusion and how it plays out in life like that, too.

IF I CLEAN OUT MY RELATIONSHIPS, I WILL HAVE NO RELATIONSHIPS.

I WILL DIE ALONE BEING LICKED BY MY 57 CATS.

The truth is that if we clean out our relationships, we will not be alone.

We can know that with our heads, but it doesn’t feel that way in our hearts.

It feels jittery.  Panicky.  Like the earth has lost it’s gravity.

What if we are already alone?

Maybe the relationships we keep because we want our life to seem full are past their expiration date.

Maybe we just keep pushing them to the back and changing the baking soda container hoping no one will notice the smell.

Maybe we are keeping them around because they make our life feel full.

It’s possible.

If they are making our life feel full, then why do we feel like a duck paddling for all it’s worth trying to force the feeling that all is well?

Maybe our lives ARE full.  It’s just….

Maybe they are full of things that are structured around the jumbled up history of choices that led us here.

Maybe they are NOT structured around the part of us that is the most true.

Maybe that’s a good indicator as to whether or not we are walking in the light of our authentic self – our best self.  If our life fridge is full, but we feel that gnawing empty feeling, maybe what we’re holding on to is gently asking us that it’s time to let it go.

And make room for the good stuff 🙂

Onward….

Me

 

 

 

 

We Already Know

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Dear sister, we see you struggling to keep your chin above water.

We see you posting happy things on Facebook.

We see the frantic look in your eyes.  The jerkiness of your movements.  The extra alertness needed to keep all the plates spinning.

To keep all the illusions intact.

Especially the illusion of “happy”.

We can see you’re not happy.

We can see he’s not happy.

The question for you, dearest sister, is:

Why is it important to pretend?

What would happen if you stopped?

How would your life change, really?

If there is love to lose, it has already been lost.

If there is change to be faced, it has already happened.

We love you.

We see you.

We see this.

There is grace here.

The only one

and really, truly, the only one

who has not accepted

what has already happened

is you.

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Why He Didn’t Choose You

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Why He Didn’t Choose You
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Sometimes the most beauty is found in the unexpected.

 

Let’s get one thing straight.  You are wonderful. 

I bet you’re the perfect cook.  I bet you’re super sweet, funny, smart, educated, keep a nice home, and would make a perfect wife and mother.   You probably work out, too, and eat healthy.

I look at women like you with your pretty hair and pretty make up and think “wow”.  Like, 100% of the time.  Wow.

I’m friends with wonderful women like you.  I hear you share your heart.

And I know sometimes you wonder why some guys choose lesser women over you.

Lesser women like me.

To you, I look like a flamin’ hot mess.  My house is messy.  My truck is messy.  I eat too much fried chicken.  I’m on a kick where I only wash my hair every 2-3 days because I think it’s healthy.  It also takes my morning “get ready” time from 15 min to 10…and that includes a shower.

I run my own business and sometimes my opinions are strong and expressed in anecdotes that literally peel people’s eyebrows off their forehead.

I will tell a contractor exactly what needs to be done, and not flinch if we need to discuss how to remedy it if the job isn’t done how we agreed.

I have zero tolerance for drama.  Issues?  Problems?  Fine.  Bring ’em over and we’ll have coffee at the kitchen table and figure it out or just stare out the window together and watch wild turkeys.  Drama?  No.  Not from women, not from men, not from anybody.

My children and I live a spontaneous, free life.  We go when we want, where we want, and the world is our oyster.   They are smart.  They are curious.  They are brave.  My son usually has a runny nose and 40,000 things he wants to say.  My daughter’s hair is usually sticking up around her face and she talks like every sentence is going to win her an Oscar.

I’m too much.  I’m too curious.  Too passionate.  Too educated.  Too nerdy.  Too thick.  Too messy.  Too disorganized.  I’m too much of many things, and I know it.

But you know what?  I love my life.  I mean really love my life.  I’m thankful for a high school teacher who encouraged me to go to college.  I’m thankful I found the gumption to earn my MBA alongside changing jobs, getting married, and having my sweet baby girl.

I’m thankful for a mom who drug us kids all over the country in broke down RV’s, vans, and whatever else she and my aunt could get their hands on to haul us. We spent two months a year traveling with a US atlas, dozens of thermoses full of black coffee, and us kids playing MAD LIB and “I spy” in the back seats.  We saw anything we could think of and some things that just popped up along the way.   I never realized people were scared to travel until I was 36 and started traveling again after my divorce.  It definitely seems to be an oddity for a woman to travel alone or just with her children.  To me, following our curiosity is the most familiar way to live.  It’s home.

Men don’t choose a woman because she’s perfect.  They choose a woman because somewhere, on a down deep undeniable gut level, they can feel that a woman has chosen herself.

A man instinctively knows that when a woman has chosen to keep her well full, she will always be herself.  She will always be joyful.  She will always be peaceful.  She will always be energetic.  She will always be beautiful.  She will always be passionate.  She will always be kind, and funny, and generous.  She will always be authentic.  She will always have the capacity to find love for him.  

He knows that even when she has a low day, or is dealing with trouble, she will always come back to herself.  She will always come back to her love for him.

Men choose a women like this because he knows this is who she is and none of who she is relies on him to be perfect. 

In the few minutes I sat down to write this I have stopped a dozen times to referee a sleepover, make pancakes & bacon, change over laundry, go outside and water plants & look at pretty rocks with my 7 yr old son, and take a shower.  And, no, I did not wash my hair.  It’s in a bun with my stringy bangs bobby pinned back.  And it’s fine.  And I am well loved.

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Change, Freedom, and Rice.

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Change, Freedom, and Rice.

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“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently.

You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours.

When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others.

From this point you will finally be free.”   Shannon L. Alder

My friend, Ben, is a change management expert.  His whole job is to help companies roll out change, and then help teammates adjust to it.

It’s not where the paper goes now, or what time the meetings happen now, or where our desk is now that’s the hard part.  It’s the emotional side to change that kicks us right in the seat of our pants, if we’re lucky.  If we’re not, it hits us square in the chest.  You know what I’m talking about.  It’s this horrible, free floating, nothing-is-what-I-thought-it-was feeling.

Ben says that any change greater than 10% will rock the foundation of an organization.  I don’t know how the 10% is calculated, but I do believe there’s a threshold.

Our grocery store changed recently.  They’re in the same parking lot, just a few doors down from where they were.  It’s bigger.  It’s nicer.  They have fresh sushi and STARBUCKS.  The day they opened, I think people drove from an hour away to walk through the aisles and drink the coffee.  I waited a few days for the parking lot to clear out, and walked through the crisp sliding glass doors into grocery Meca.  There were people there I’ve never seen before in my life.  I didn’t recognize one single person.

If felt like everything changed.

I didn’t know where to find anything, they carry different stuff now, and some of the stuff I normally buy isn’t available any more.  I was so upset I got a headache.  Over a GROCERY STORE.

Who knew my 10% would be whether or not they carry Uncle Ben’s Original Rice?! When the cashier asked me if I found everything ok, I said I couldn’t find the Uncle Ben’s Original Rice.  She so sweetly left her cash register line to help me look – but it simply was. not. there.  I got teary eyed.  There was a large lump in my throat. I may have said something about “people who actually cook and don’t microwave every meal are not going to be able to shop here.” I seriously went to the customer service counter and asked them to special order it for me.  In tears.

You guys, I turned into a crazy person over RICE.

Sometimes we can see change coming – I mean – I saw this grocery store being built for months.  I thought I would like it.  But then I didn’t.  Now, I do, because my mom gets me Uncle Ben’s Original Rice from the store she goes to. But that’s beside the point.

We think if we expect it, it will be ok. It will soften the blow somehow.  Does it?  Maybe.  Sudden change brings shock AND pain.  Expected change is some shock, then a season of expectation, and eventually ends in pain.

The question is NOT whether or not change will be uncomfortable.  It usually is.  The question is what is on the other SIDE of change.

Sometimes we feel like we know.  Sometimes we feel like the pain of change will be worth it in the end.  Sometimes, we just know we can’t go on like we are and we’ll just take whatever comes.  It’s gotta be better than where we are.

I’ve been through some change in the last few years.  Divorce, death of a parent, transitioning from employee to business owner,  learning how to live alone/run a business alone/sleep alone/vacation alone/parent alone.

None of it was easy.  Most of it I saw coming.  100% of it still had moments that hurt.

Here’s the thing, dear one.  When it’s time for a change, you just know.  You feel it in every cell of your body.

When it’s time go to, you just go.  When the storm hits – when you’re in the thick of it.  When you’re standing at the new grocery store in tears, when you’re holding your heart broken child crying over your divorce, when you realize there is no more time for your Dad to become the parent you wanted him to, when you’re having to start over from scratch because you finally admitted what you were doing all those years was too broken to mend, take a moment.  Take a deep breath.  Try to remember why you lifted your foot to take the first step.  Forge on.

Sometimes, the only way out is through. 

You are so, so loved.

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Saying No to “Almost Amazing”

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Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia       July 2015

 “There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn’t.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now.” ― Veronica Roth, Allegiant    

 It is so incredibly easy to slip into a life we don’t love.  Even when we just spend every last ounce of our strength to crawl out of the valley – it can feel exhausting and isolated when we have to tell wonderful, beautiful, valuable people ….. no.

I hate saying no.  I hate saying it to my kids, to friends, customers, strangers, even.  I just don’t like saying it.  I especially hate saying no when it’s something that I want.
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I have learned the oh-so-hard way that we can want something that would feel amazing today, and hurt later.  It’s not so much a choice between good and bad, but between how we want to feel in our lives, and how we don’t want to feel.
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The hardest hardest thing is when we have to say no to something that is so almost the exact right thing we can taste it.
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Like our dream job that won’t quite pay the bills.
Like the private school that requires your child to practice a different religion.
Like the free vacation we don’t have the ability to take.
Like the relationship with the perfect guy who won’t commit.
Like the best friend who sometimes talks behind your back.
Like the employee who you love but your customers don’t.
Like the family member who only comes around when they want something.
Like the spouse who still sleeps in your house, but is not in love with you any more.
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These are the days we put on our grown folk pants.  These are the days we either are ready to lay the pieces out on the kitchen table and sort through them a little more, or we aren’t.
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One thing is for sure.  You can’t be ready until you’re ready.   You just can’t.
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We have a tribal rule here – we are not allowed to beat ourselves up.  So if you’re not ready, dear one, you’re just not ready.
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I know you want to do something.  You want to make progress.
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Today, just practice.  Practice being aware of your own self.  Practice taking a moment when you feel something and giving your own heart the attention you would someone you love so dearly.  With tender eyes, a warm voice, and a soft heart, ask yourself “what is it you’re feeling right now?”   Naming what we feel is perhaps one of the most powerful stepping stones to awareness we have.  It creates ownership and a sense of strength.
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And I know you need to feel stronger right now.
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Try this today and let me know how it goes.
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You are so brave. And you are so, so loved.
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To Women Who’ve Been Abandoned

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To Women Who’ve Been Abandoned

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It’s taken me 38 years, a bunch of the wrong guys, two waffles, this Kelly Clarkson song, and a strong cup of coffee to talk about it.   I’d like to talk about my Dad leaving me.  And your Dad leaving you.

Sometimes Dads leave one big time or two and then we never see them again. Sometimes they hang around and leave us over, and over, and over again.   Emotionally, physically, one thing is for certain – they. just. leave.

Just saying it makes me feel nauseous.

However it happened, when the one guy who’s supposed to have our back and nurture our heart takes a good look at us and says “nah”, it feels like a huge, gaping hole in our chest. We spend a lifetime of “how the hell did I get in this mess again” moments and wonder what we did wrong.  Either way, we feel unloveable, and either way, when any good thing happens, we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Here’s the thing: we keep replaying old wounds as many times as we need, trying to get the ending we want.

It took twenty years of relationships that hurt for me to grow enough, get mindful enough, and get enough counseling to realize I was just re-playing the relationship with my Dad.

I wanted that warm kind of love where the person is there for you no matter what. You can see it in their eyes.  You can hear it in their voice.  You can feel it in the words they choose to use when they talk with you.  They just… show up for you.

Even though I wanted that, I could never seem to find it. I analyzed the guys and criticized myself.  Maybe I should be thinner.  Sweeter.  Less opinionated. Work on my bitchy resting face (which was totally not even a thing 20 years ago BUT I HAD IT, YOU GUYS).  It’s so hard to be undiagnosed.

I wish, I wish, I wish I could find the most perfect way to say this that would pierce right through to the center of your heart. I want you to get it.  I want you to stop hurting.  I want you to see this.

It was not your fault.

The things he did, the things he said, the way he absolutely could not seem to get his shit together enough to be there for you in any consistent way….

It was not your fault.

In fact, it had nothing to do with you.   Like how the color of a plane will not make a person unafraid to fly.  The plane could be painted the most perfect, glittering color with the most perfect shading.  It could even have the most perfectly organized, safest flight plan to the most perfectly beautiful places on Earth.  Filled with the most perfect luxurious seats, tables, trays, beds, and staffed with the most amazing, charming, wonderful, people on Earth.  Every single person on the planet could be in agreement that this is the perfect plane to fly in. And it will still not make a person unafraid to fly.  They simply will not get on that plane.

And they will handle that decision in one of two ways: they will turn around and leave, or they will approach the door and step back over and over again unable to find the strength to stay or go.

It’s not the plane’s fault the person doesn’t want to fly.

It’s not your fault your Dad didn’t want to be a good parent.

It’s not your fault your Dad didn’t know how to find the strength to work through his own shit so he could be there for you.

It’s just not your fault.

And… PS…. you are not destined to be alone. You are destined to be loved.  And that journey, dear one, starts with the tallest mountain first: learning to love yourself.

You are so brave. And so, so loved.

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Breaking Through Emotional Unavailability

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This is Part 4 of a four part series on Expectations:

Part 1: Expectations vs Contentment

Part 2: Where Do You End, and Where Do I Begin?

Part 3: Never Get Hurt Again. Ever.

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Last, week, my best friend and I were eating fried chicken and minding our own business when… WHAP!

Our “whaps” are like Oprah’s aha moments, but with much less grace and a whole lot less zeroes on the check.

Here’s what happened.

We were talking about boys, ourselves, and relationships in general.   And, of course, the subject of emotional unavailability came up. Because we are experts. We are experts at dating these types of guys and we are also experts at being emotionally unavailable.

What is this mysterious condition? You might ask. Well, I’m glad you did – because it’s a whopper.

Emotional Unavailability (EU) is basically when the lights are on in someone, but no one’s home. In other words, the person may be physically present, but their heart and mind are a million miles away. They are disconnected from you emotionally and, despite your efforts, you cannot reach them to connect.

EU can happen for a short period of time due to a traumatic situation (recovering from the shock of a death or car accident) or it might last for a long period of time because there are complex, unhealed wounds a person feels the need to protect.

There are some great articles online about emotional unavailability and one of my favorite is here: Understanding an Emotionally Unavailable Relationship.

We typically think of EU as a person is either emotionally available, or they are not. We say things like “oh, well, he’s just emotionally unavailable.”

What we mean is “I am trying really hard to connect with this person and it feels like they are shut down and closed off.”

Here was the “aha” moment:

Maybe a person isn’t just emotionally available or unavailable. Maybe a person can be both.

Here’s why.

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We all bring our past experiences to the table. In every relationship, including romantic ones. We build boundaries (framework) to protect ourselves from pain. That’s all ok, healthy, and good!

Do you have a friend or partner who you trust who you can tell absolutely anything to and know they would never intentionally hurt you?

Are you that kind of person?

I hope you feel like both of the answers to those are yes. If not, no sweat.. we can chat about that later and unravel that knot, ok?

Now, do you also know people who you would not tell your deepest, darkest secrets? People whom you do not trust?

Sure! We all know folks who we feel that way about.  Here’s the math:

  • When we feel safe, our guard comes down.
  • When we feel unsafe, our guard goes up.

In this sense, we all have the ability to hold space for being emotionally available when we want to be (when we feel safe), and emotionally UNavailable when we don’t (when we feel UNsafe).

#mind.  #blown.

So, dear one, the next time we think to ourselves “she/he must be emotionally unavailable” please consider adding the words “to me” at the end of that sentence.

Then, we can begin to ask really interesting questions.  Clarifying questions.   Truth telling questions.

And we may choose to find our way to intimacy. Or, not.

Onward….